When live gives you lemons
by The.Cherry.Pie.Is.A.Lie
Summary: The boss had asked for combustible lemons. So it was time to get to work. A short one-shot based on the scene from the second Portal musical 2017 production by Geekenders. Now with a Bonus Chapter.
1. Combustible Lemons

**The boss had asked for combustible lemons. So it was time to get to work.**

 **A short one-shot based on the scene from the second Portal musical 2017 production by Geekenders.**

* * *

It had been about 2 months ago when Wheatley first came to work at Aperture Science. He was just an intern and he got saddled up with all the stupid little chores, like making coffee and cleaning. He was officially placed in the archives where his common job was to order the files. But the scientists liked to get him to do some little side quests every now and then.

His job wasn't important and though he was verily sure he could handle something that asked a bit more responsibility from him then making sure the papers with the letter A came before the B, but his co-workers thought he was in his rightful place. Because he somehow managed to screw up all of his tasks. He couldn't get the files done just right and always ended up putting the N's before the M's and forgetting the W's didn't come before, but _after_ the V's. Or he would accidentally drop all his organized paperwork and had to work overtime to get them all back in order.

And even the things where he hadn't been hired for to begin with, he couldn't do them right. He managed to break the copy machine, breaking the coffee machine and even breaking his _who farted?-_ cup multiple times. Every time he had to get his superiors a drink, there always was a long trail of brown, spilled coffee in the hallways where he'd run back to the office, holding onto the cup for dear life as not to spill too much. Though his coffee refills always ended up half empty once he'd made it to his destination, even though he had filled it to the rim.

And today the same things had happened again. Wheatley was sure he'd pushed the right buttons for once, but still the copy machine had started to make this buzzing noise and started to smoke. He had lost two files on his way to the office, spilled coffee, forgot to hand in his reports, spilled more coffee and to top it all off he sat on top of his glasses. They now had one big crack on the left side and it cut his vision in two, dizzying, unequal halves.

He was now sitting inside his slightly claustrophobically small office, with his elbows prompt on top of his desk and his chin resting on his arms. Wheatley stared at the brownish, paper cup that had been for one of his co-workers, but he decided to let it be since there was nothing more than a little bottom left in it to drink.

He rubbed his tired eyes with the palm of his hands and sighted. Maybe this office-like work was nothing for him. He wasn't a scientist, he wasn't a doctor, he wasn't even a full-time employee! What was he even doing here anyways? His job didn't pay _that_ good for him to want to stay. He was just a waste of everybody's time here.

Wheatley glanced up at the sound of the intercom switching on.

''Cave Johnson here. It's been a while since our last announcement, so I figured a good old update on our work so far would be a great way to bring everybody back in their working spirits.'' There fell an awkward, long silence. ''um... l-llamas. They're proud, majestic, cheap on the black market. And Aperture just bought twenty _thousand_ of them due to an accounting error. Oh god.''

The announcement was cut short as the intercom abruptly fell into silence once again. Wheatley, who had only be listening to it with semi-attention, leant back in his office chair. The wheels peeped in protest as he slightly rolled backwards. He picked up the paper cup, tapped on it with his fingers in a repetitive drum of boredom before tossing it towards the trashcan in the corner of the room. Of course he missed and the cup bounced off the edge of the plastic basket and then fell on the floor. Groaning tiredly, he pushed himself out of his chair to pick it up and throw it away normally.

''Alright, I've been thinking.'' Cave's voice spoke up again after a little while. ''When life gives you lemons. Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that _burns your house DOWN!''_

Wheatley stood frozen in place, feeling like he was in the same room as the man who just had his rant about lemons. That was a moment of pure rage if he'd ever heard one. He was aware that Aperture wasn't in its highest glory these days, but it couldn't be that bad, could it? Wheatley sighed and went to sit in his chair again. It wasn't like there was anything he could do about it. It wasn't his problem.

''Having said that... I'd like you to test that as fast as possible. Thank you.'' And with that the announcement ended. The intern looked up. Hold on a second. Did he just give instructions for a new project? Or was this still part of his lemon rant? Either way, it was a command.

Wheatley pressed his fingers to his temples, thinking hard. He just had an idea there, a big moment of a brain wave just in that short second. He had to hold onto it carefully before it slipped away. The boss wanted combustible lemons. It shouldn't be too hard. Yeah... yeah he could manage that. Just a lemon that exploded. They'd made much more complex things at Aperture. It should be possible, he could do that!

And imagine. Him, as just a simple not-even-full-time-employee that worked at the archives, suddenly having such a brilliant idea. Just got it out of thin air, a real talent, honestly, if you asked him. And he would be the one to do it! The one who found a way to fulfil one of the very boss' own commands. He would get a real promotion for that, he was sure of it. Then he didn't have to make coffee anymore. No, then the ones who were now his superiors, _they_ would be the ones to bring _him_ his coffee. He couldn't wait to see the look on their faces. Let's see who got the last laugh. It would be him, obviously.

Wheatley rushed out of his office. He immediately made his way to the cafeteria, getting lost a little bit here and there but he made it in almost a record time of twenty minutes. It was in the afternoon so there was no one there aside from a few half empty mugs left behind on the tables. He knew he wasn't allowed there, especially not after his last incident as assistant cook, but he went behind the countertop and opened the fridge.

There wasn't a whole lot in it. There were some plates which had foil wrapped over the food. There was a little container with the letters _repulsion gel_ written on the side and it held a strange looking blue goo. He decided not to touch it, despite his curiosity. And hold on... Was that a _cake_ at the bottom there? It looked quite delicious actually, it was probably for someone's birthday-party or something. But the one thing he had been looking for was quite lacking in this fridge, there were no lemons. There were apples and banana's which were partly frozen and had started to rot. But no lemons.

He sighed in the defeat. Where did he have to look next? There weren't a whole lot of other places for lemons to be hiding from him. Sure he could go to the stores and buy some but they were all closed already at this hour and he didn't have the time to wait until tomorrow. Otherwise someone else might steal his ideas and run of with all the glory! He wouldn't allow that to happen!

Deep in thought he started to make his way back to his office to come up with a new plan when he spotted a yellow object on the countertop from the corner of his eyes. Wheatley picked up the with chocolate-frosting covered lemon. He didn't know why it had chocolate over it, it seemed like a rather disgusting combination. But that didn't matter. This was perfect for his project.

Holding the lemon in his hands like it was the most precious thing in the world, he ran back to his office. He proudly put the lemon on his desk and stared at it for a moment. Alright he had a lemon... now how to make it combustible?

He suddenly got another brain wave and went to the office of one of his co-workers named Rick. He knew he took some smoke breaks outside sometimes, so he must have a lighter. After searching for a bit he found one in the drawers of his desk.

Wheatley quickly went back to his project. Though to his disappointment he couldn't get the lemon lit. It only managed to create some brown spots on the lemons skin and melt the chocolate frosting which had now caused him to get very sticky fingers.

He groaned. Alright so that obviously didn't work. He didn't know a whole lot about chemistry so he wasn't sure of a mixture with a substance of some sort combined with the juice of the lemon would be able to cause an explosion. So that wasn't really an option either. Maybe he could put something already explosive _inside_ the lemon. It would have the same effect at least, so it would count until he had to make it more useful in some way. But that would be passed onto the others, they would have to handle that. Now his best shot was to just putting something inside the yellow fruit.

Alright, now he only needed something explosive and he would be done. So what would be strong enough to create an explosion and small enough to fit inside the lemon. A grenade? Maybe. But he didn't where to get _that._ And he would probably need a slightly bigger lemon. Hmmm... what else was there? Fireworks? Firecrackers? That sounded like a great idea!

Wheatley went towards the storage rooms. He only came back with a few of those sticks that gave that starry glow. Not exactly what he'd been looking for, but it was would have to do. He stuck the end of the stick into the lemon. A bit of the juice jumped out and somehow jumped from under his glasses into his eye. Wheatley yelped a bit in pain and rubbed in his eye with his knuckles. It was red and puffy from the tears against the stinging liquid. After a little bit he put his glasses back on his nose. That little incident had been very unpleasant, but his project was finished.

He held up the lemon with pride. He did this, tiny little Wheatley did this. This was marvellous. Now he only had to show this to Cave Johnson. He looked at his watch, it wasn't too late yet. He should be able to make it to his office in time.

So he went back into the hallways for his quest of getting lost and having to go on a journey through almost all of the facility before he found his way to his boss' office. He politely knocked on the door. ''Hello? Is anybody in here?''

No answer.

He knocked again. When he was again met with silence he carefully pushed open the fortuitously unlocked door and peeked inside. The office was empty. He walked inside, looking around curiously. It was a very nice place, especially compared to his workspace. There was a big desk that stood towards the door, there were quite some empty bottles of liquor standing on there. Wheatley stared at his lemon. His boss should come back here sometime soon. It was probably best if he waited here for a bit.

Though it took longer than he expected. After a minute or ten he decided that he should maybe lit his combustible lemon to see for himself if it even worked at all. Maybe he should've tested it before he came here, oh well, no going back now. He picked up the lighter he had put inside his pocket and lit the little firework.

It sparkled beautifully in the dimly lighted room. Wheatley started at in wonder. It worked! He knew it would, of course. But it was still a relief to see that it actually worked.

He was so fascinated by his own project he didn't notice Cave walking in. ''Who the hell are you?''

Wheatley tried desperately to explain, pointing at his lemon. ''I-I-I... the.. I-I-''

''Never mind. Beat it!''

He looked at his combustible lemon. The little fire sparks on the stick was near the end of the lemon. It was going to explode! He looked around him in a moment of blind panic and quickly left the office, holding the dangerous yellow fruit in front of him as he ran off. Cave followed his gaze after him until he was out of the room.

What kind of morons had they hired here at Aperture?


	2. Bonus Chapter

**Bonus chapter**

Somewhere on a different earth in the mulitverse

Cave Johnson picked up his small recording device, cleared his voice and pressed the record button. ''Hello investors. Cave Johnson here, CEO of Aperture Science...''

He fell silent. For once he didn't know what to say. Normally he could talk for hours, he could manage to make the slightest bit of good news in a moment of complete disaster look like it was the unlimited hope for a solution. Talk around the problem, clean it a little bit, make it sound less worse than it was or make it sound so much more and better than it was. That was his strength. The power of his voice and a good speech combined with the talent of improvisation and maybe a little bit of luck and good belief of people, he had brought Aperture to the top, brought himself to the top.

Well... almost the top. Those damned Black Mesa pests were still on the world's number one. Yeah, by stealing other's inventions and after that stomping them to the ground with the soles of the shoes that Aperture created! If those stupid Black Mesa scientists would've just bought his stupid portal gun everything would've been fine. He would've bought that stupid company, kicked everyone of them out and renamed it under the Aperture brand.

Blaperture Mesa.

It was a great idea, the best idea! Even the name itself showed the glory of his victory. They would be number one. But noooo, those idiots couldn't _'_ _make a purchase in the middle of an emergency'_. Ha, _an emergency_. They should have seen all the problems Aperture had caused. Compared to that their problems were nothing more than crumbles in a fat guy's shirt. And Aperture had managed. They had solved all their problems... well, most of them at least. They still had that asbestos issue which had caused 13 percent of his employees to be temporarily unable to work. They just coughed up some blood every now and then, that doesn't mean you can't work! And absolutely not calling in sick with excuse a doctor's advice to stay home with prepayment and all!

But the point still stands. Aperture would've been number one if it hadn't been for those idiots. But maybe he had just chosen the wrong place at the wrong time. After all, the government was more than busy with containing the failed experiment at Black Mesa by killing everybody associated with the project. Serves them right, the thieves.

But now... he had nothing. Everything was going downhill. There wasn't even the slightest form of good news to be found in the mess Aperture Science found itself in. Cave snapped out of the moment where he had dazed of into thought and was quickly reminded that he was recording. Not knowing how to continue he quickly glanced over at the monitor on his desk, hoping to find a certain topic to talk about.

The screen displayed a list of all the latest purchases and Cave read the first thing on top of the list out loud. ''Llamas.''

Good enough.

''They're proud. Majestic. Cheap on the black market.'' He continued. He looked back at the screen, reading the rest of the information. ''And Aperture just bought twenty _thousand_ of them, due to an accounting error.''

Wait what? ''Oh god. Caroline?''

There was no answer.

''Caroline?!''

A knock on his door. Cave opened it, only to find a white llama had been slamming it's head against it. It looked up at the CEO with a relaxed expression while it was slowly chewing on something. Dumbfounded Cave looked up, only to see the hallways were filled with llamas in all shapes and sizes. White, brown, black, rainbow, beige coloured, curly fur everywhere.

He stood there for a whole three seconds when suddenly Cave Johnson felt something pulling at his clothing. The llama from before had started to chew on his tie. Frustrated, he pulled the piece of clothing out of the animal's mouth, only to end up ripping the end off of it which the thing happily continued chewing on.

Cave pushed the white llama aside and walked past it. He had to push through thick layers of curly fur to get to the other side of the hall. He looked out the window to see the whole place was littered with llamas. Some scientists tried to fight back with their clipboards and use their chairs as shields. But they all suffered from getting a part of their clothing eaten. One black coloured llama had been dressed up in a lab coat by the little children from the day-care and was pushing over a card of chemicals which splattered onto the ground. There was a monitor on the wall that showed another llama in an orange jumped suit in the test chambers where it had found a nice spot on top of an companion cube where it was eating the papers with the test results.

''What in the name of Science happened here?'' Cave asked in disbelief.

''The package delivery arrived today.''

Cave turned around to see the same white llama standing behind him, staring him in the eye with a drugged out expression. He was seriously considering if he'd gone insane when he thought it had been that llama to say that when he noticed one of the scientists somewhere between the giant pack of the animals.

One brown llama had found a nice spot on top of the poor guy who was now buried under a fluffy llama butt. ''Hello mister Johnson.'' He wheezed as he could barely breath.

''Greg, what is going on here?'' Cave tried his best to sound calm but that was quite difficult when the white one had started chewing on his tie again.

''As I told you sir, the package delivery arrived today. We just... didn't expect it to be fifty trucks filled with twenty thousand of these pack camels.''

The brown llama suddenly had a very angered expression and spit in Greg's face. How dared that lower species to call him something so insulting? The llama was pleased at the horrified look on the human's face and it turned its nose up in a cocky manner. He went back to sit on top of his human chair like a proper lad.

Cave sighed, rubbing his eyes with two fingers. ''And whose idea was it to make this purchase exactly?''

''I don't know sir. They placed a new guy into the package department a few days ago. I think his name was Wheatley or something.'' Greg answered, a clot of llama salvia dripping down his hair.

''Alright. Go fire him.''

''Um... I'm not about that, sir. I just distribute the job applications.''

''Then give that guy a new job.''

''Alright.'' Greg reached out a clipboard and a pen from somewhere in his pockets from under the llama's butt. ''It seems like he has been given all the possible jobs before. Except for the artificial intelligence human trails uploading for the GLaDOS project. Should I sign him up for that, sir?''

''Sure. Good thinking Greg.'' Cave said as he turned around to return to his office.

Greg gave him a salute. ''Always, sir. Thank you, sir... ow'' He groaned painfully as the llama adjusted the way he was sitting on top of the man.

Just as Cave was about to open the door to his office he noticed the white llama which stared back at him. ''Greg, have you seen Caroline anywhere?''

''Um no I haven't seen her, sir.''

''Alright then, you'll be my new assistant. Come on in.'' The CEO opened the door and the llama walked inside, immediately taking a proud dumb on the floor to bargain its territory. ''That's going off your salary.''

''Mister Johnson?'' Greg called after him.

''What is it?''

''What do we need to do with all these alpacas?'' The brown llama gave him that angered look again. He quickly corrected himself. ''I-I mean llamas. All these llamas.''

''Just put them up for testing or something. I honestly don't care. Just take care of this mess.''

''Will do mister Johnson.''

And now we have Portal 2 with llamas.

 **The end**

* * *

 **Now obviously this is not to be taking seriously. But I watched the Portal musical again a few days ago and then I found a draw of Cave Johnson buried under a pile of llamas and well, then I had to write this. Since this is also based on the musical I decided to put this together with this one-shot. Also llamas are such proper lads. I want one as a pet now.**


End file.
